Missing her

Today marks 9 years since my Mom passed away. I will never forget that day. Now that I'm a mom, think about my own Mom every single day and oftentimes think about what our lives would be like if she were around. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she would be absolutely OBSESSED with her grandkids, my boys as well as my niece, Kaitlyn. Unfortunately, she didn't get a chance to meet any of them, or my husband.

I cannot even put into words an accurate description of her. She was my confidant, mentor, and best friend. She was a phenomenal mother. She instilled in me a love of reading; she taught me the golden rule - treat others as you would want to be treated, and reminded me regularly - to whom much is given, much is expected. What a amazing teacher of life.

Regardless of age, there are times you just want your mom. When I don't feel well, when I need some advice, when I want some comfort that only a mother can provide, my heart aches for her. I want to put my arms around her. Nothing, I repeat, nothing makes you want your mom more than having a baby, or in my case, babies. I needed her when I found out there were three in there. I needed her when I was scared and unsure I could handle my pregnancy. I needed her when I was in the hospital on bed rest. I really needed her after the boys were born and were in the NICU fighting for their lives. I really, really needed her when my precious miracles came home. If she, my very biggest cheerleader, had been with my through all of those ups and downs, I think I would have been more confident and a lot less scared. I think I could have handled everything with more grace. My attitude would have been better. It's hard to explain, but it helps just to know that you have that person in your corner. I know she was with me through everything, and still is, but I wish she was here on earth with me.

She was a breast cancer survivor and she and I participated together in several Race for the Cure events before she passed away. Since her death, I put together a team in her honor for Race for the Cure for 7 years, until the boys were born last year. Since her close friends and I have become champions for the fight against breast cancer in her honor, a lot of people assume she lost her fight against breast cancer. I don't always correct the assumption. It's just easier that way. But the truth is that she also battled depression and ultimately took her own life. I have so many regrets and constantly think that she would have so much to live for now - specifically 4 "so muches" - her grandkids. I wonder had any of them had been born before 10/11/05, would she be around now? There are so many "what ifs" but I cannot change what has happened. The fact remains that the world lost one of the greats.


This post is dedicated to my mother, Robbie Van Pelt. I miss her each and every single day.

I love this one because it's like she's looking down on me

Me, my Mom and my sister, Anne

Anne, Mom and me in NYC

Mom and Anne

Mom and me and my college graduation

Me and my Mom at Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure