SAHM

SAHM = Stay At Home Mom

And...it's official. I formally resigned from my position at work to stay home and take care of the boys. This was a very hard decision for me to make. I really enjoyed my job and loved the company I worked for and that chapter of my life has been closed (at least for now). I never ever saw myself as a SAHM, and never really aspired or hoped to be one, but then again I never thought I would have triplets! If I had a healthy, full term singleton I know that baby would go to daycare and I would be back at work. That's just how it would be for our family in that scenario and I would be perfectly satisfied with it. But the boys have weakened immune systems due to their prematurity so daycare is out of the question for us. Not that we could afford it anyways! Have you priced daycare for three infants?!?! We have and it's not pretty! We thought about getting a nanny, but just didn't feel that it was the right decision for our family at this time. So here we are and my resignation is with HR. 

I was extremely hesitant to make the final decision about not going back to work, although my heart was swaying me this direction from the beginning. To shut the door on my career right now feels like I am losing a piece of myself. And it's scary. What if I decide to go back to work in five years when the boys are in school and I am so behind the times, technologically speaking? What if I can't find a job that I like and am good at? What if I lose my business accumen and "know how" while I am at home with three babies? The "what ifs" could go on forever. Suffice it to say that I am nervous about this life change. 

That being said, both Thomas and I feel like it's the right decision right now. I am not sure that I am cut out for this long term, but if we realize I'm not, we will cross that bridge when we get to it. For now the only timeframe we've made is to stay home until the boys are a year old. 

There is a lot of pressure that comes with staying home. If you are going to do it and not be a financial contributor to the household, you'd better be a darn good mom and keeper of the home! Of course I have some insecurities about this. This is the most important job ever. I am in charge of three lives 24 hours a day! What if I stay home and my boys aren't well behaved? What if they are actually holy terrors? Will it look bad if my house is a mess and it's technically part of my job to keep house as a SAHM? I think I have mentioned before that I am a worrier, and this decision of a new path in life is no exception to get away from my inclination to worry. But then I think about how worried I would be to leave my preemie babies in the care of someone else while I went to work. There is definitely no "right" answer to the work vs stay home debate, but I just hope that this decision works for our family for this time in our lives.

Staying at home is hard. I have learned that already and they've only been home for two and a half months. Not to mention that I have had help for the vast majority of that time. It's a busy, sometimes stressful, non-stop, tiring, thankless job. In my household it definitely feels like a 2 or 3 person job. Everybody tells me it will get easier. I don't want to wish the time away but I need to hold on to that thought that it does get easier. I remember right before the boys were getting discharged, our neonatologist said that we just needed to make it through the first three months and it would start getting better and easier. I think it definitely will be better once winter (and RSV season!) is over. I hope by that point I have enough guts or confidence or whatever it takes to take the boys out by myself. Whether it's to run errands, go to the pool or park, or visit with friends and have play-dates, I think just being out will be helpful (and potentially stressful, but whatever!). Right now we are trapped in the house apart from doctors appointments. I have been advised to keep the boys away from all public environments until RSV season is over to limit their risk of infection and illness. I rarely go anywhere by myself, even when people are here to help because the boys are eating every 3 hours during the day and I am pumping almost that often as well. I don't say that so you'll feel bad for me. I have had lots of offers to get out and many people are willing to watch the babies for me but it's difficult for me to do for whatever reason. The times I have gotten out of the house sure have been great though haha! But I've gone off on a rabbit trail and am now getting back to the fact that being a SAHM is hard work, plain and simple. Ask any mom or dad that does stay home and they'll agree. There just isn't enough time in the day to do everything I need to do. I'm sure no one has ever said that before! :)

Despite the challenges of staying home, it's a blessing that I will be at home with them, at least for their first year, and I am so glad that I won't miss any big milestones during that time. My heart breaks for moms that hear about their baby's first laugh, first word, first steps, etc from their daycare or their child's caregiver. I am so glad that I will witness all of those miraculous firsts. I am so excited that my babies will know me better than they know anyone else in the world. I am positive that I will never look back and regret this time with them!

So anyway, I am officially a SAHM now. Although I am terribly apprehensive and nervous about it, I just have to look at my sweet boys to know we are making a good decision. I mean, who can resist these faces?!?!